Charlotte Brontë’s famous heroine Jane Eyre once said “A present has many faces on it, has it not?” This is a particularly thought provoking question at this time of year, when many of us will be doing some last-minute gift shopping. Presents are expressions of generosity and joy, and can strengthen our emotional connections with those we care about.
However, finding the right present for someone is not always an easy task, even or perhaps especially for someone we know really well. It requires an intuition into what their needs and desires might be, and sometimes this might involve putting aside our own ego or being honest with ourselves about hidden agendas.
Here’s a look at some of the most common gift-giving pitfalls, and how to avoid them.
Gifts that have unspoken expectations attached to them
Sometimes we may subconsciously (or even consciously) give a present in the hope of nudging someone else into changing them to suit our own expectations, or getting them to behave in a certain way. For example, being excessively generous in the cost or amount of your gifts can put the recipient under a sense of obligation or make them feel guilty.
Another example might be buying clothing in the hope of getting them to change their usual style, rather than because you think the recipient will genuinely love it.
Gifts that try too hard
It’s natural for you to want your gift to have the ‘wow factor’, but this has the danger of overthinking it. When choosing your gift, try not to think about the immediate reaction of the person as they open it. Thoughtful presents that you know the person genuinely wants or needs and they will use over the long term tend to work better than flashy gestures.
Gifts that ignore practical needs
Think about the practical value of your gift: don’t be afraid to buy an item you know the person needs and will find useful. However, tread carefully to ensure that you are not being controlling or insensitive, such as buying fancy cookware for someone you live with to avoid your fair share of kitchen duties.
Tips for choosing a gift that will be truly appreciated
Look from their perspective
The ability to see situations from another person’s perspective is an invaluable skill when it comes to choosing a gift. Put aside any of your own intentions towards them, and consider their tastes, lifestyle, interests, and what brings them joy. Pick a gift that makes them feel understood and valued, without any strings attached.
Think in the long-term
Often gifts that are useful over the long term are the most cherished and valued. This could be as simple as choosing a houseplant over an exotic bunch of flowers that will only last for a week or two.
Gifts that bring you closer together
If you are buying for a partner or family member, consider a gift that will strengthen your bond by spending time together in a shared activity. For example, tickets to see a performer you both love or for some surfing lessons or whatever you might both enjoy can be more valuable than a pricey object.
If you have some complex emotional issues that you need help with, you may benefit from Internal Family Systems Therapy. Please contact me for some more information.
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