Gaslighting: From Old School Cinema To Modern Phenomenon

The breakdown of a relationship is always painful, whether the end happened like a bolt out of the blue, or it was a more gradual unravelling. Even relationships that made us unhappy can be difficult to let go of and find closure from the emotional fallout. A form of behaviour that has been identified in many toxic relationships is sometimes described as ‘gaslighting’. 

This term has only recently gained mainstream popularity, but it puts a label on a longstanding form of psychological abuse. Here’s a look at the origin of the term, what it is, and some tips for moving on if you have been subjected to gaslighting by an ex-partner.

What is gaslighting?

The term ‘gaslighting’ refers to a form of psychological manipulation that can cause someone to question their own reality, memories and emotions. 

The term is derived from the 1944 film Gaslight, a psychological thriller that follows the story of a husband who manipulates his young wife into believing she is descending into insanity in order to disguise his dark criminal past. The plot is adapted from a 1938 stage play Gas Light by the English novelist and playwright Patrick Hamilton. 

The play and film title comes from a plot element, which involves the wife noticing the gaslights are dimming in the house at certain times. The husband deliberately dims the lights and then denies it when questioned, causing his wife to doubt her memory and become anxious about her psychological state, thus making her less capable of revealing the truth.

Although the play was written almost 90 years ago, its themes illustrate a form of emotional abuse that is still all too recognisable today, hence the rise of the term ‘gaslighting’ to describe a toxic behaviour over the past few years. It’s brought to light a conduct that is common in narcissistic individuals, and it can also be a precursor to coercive control. 

Why do people gaslight?

People might gaslight for various reasons, including a need for control, so that the behaviour of the person can be shaped to satisfy their own needs. Other people may use it as a way of avoiding accountability for their actions or behaviour, so that they can deflect the blame or labour onto the other person. 

The perpetrator may not even be capable of admitting what they have done wrong to themselves. They will do everything in their power to manipulate consequent events and the thoughts and feelings of others to obfuscate the truth, deflect attention onto another person, and show themselves in the most favourable light. 

Narcissistic people may also gaslight so that they can take advantage of another person’s assets, such as money, property, or access to resources they otherwise would not have. Insecure narcissists need validation and approval from others, and may resort to manipulating another person’s views and beliefs to achieve parity with their own. 

Gaslighting can be a learned behaviour that someone may have copied from a parent or older sibling, or it may have been a way to protect themselves from an abusive relationship in the past. Some people use gaslighting as a way of protecting and maintaining their social status, or to gain validation from a social circle or avoid social rejection. 

Some people may simply enjoy watching the distress they are causing another person, but this is not usually the primary motivating force for gaslighting. 

Common signs of gaslighting

Countering

Questioning a person’s memory of events, and deliberately contradicting their correct memories. 

Trivisalising

Downplaying feelings or needs to convince the other person that they do not matter, or that they are being overly sensitive and dramatic. 

Denial and diversion

Refusing to acknowledge facts, and blocking or diverting attention from things that have happened, or have been said or done in the past. The person may refuse point blank to listen to responses or counterarguments, or pretend not to understand. 

Signs you are being gaslit

• Constantly second-guessing yourself 

• Often feeling confused

• Frequently apologising to your partner or making excuses for their behaviour to others 

• Withdrawing or withholding certain information from family or friends 

• Finding yourself less confident and capable of making decisions 

• A decreasing sense of satisfaction or enjoyment in life that you can’t quite explain

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The healing process

Moving on from an experience of gaslighting is difficult for most people, because it can erode their sense of self. The first step is to validate your feelings and express your own reality, either through talking to someone you trust or writing it down. 

The perpetrator may try to continue contact or you may be tempted to seek them out to achieve closure. However, it’s important to completely detach yourself from them, or the destructive cycle will recur. Challenge internalised false and negative narratives, and replace them with the aspects of yourself that previously gave your hope, joy, and pride in your life. 

A toxic relationship can leave deep emotional scars that take time to heal. There may still be a lingering need for validation from the perpetrator, despite the fact that you are aware of the damage they have already done. 

These unresolved feelings can escalate into anxiety and depression or low-self esteem, and this can make it harder to move on and form healthy relationships in the future. 

A common consequence of a toxic relationship is that the person feels isolated, because their sense of self has been eroded and they may have withdrawn from or neglected previously supportive relationships. However, the support of others is crucial to help you move on, gain distance and perspective on the past, and reclaim your sense of self. 

This emotional and psychological healing could be achieved through rebuilding your relationships with family and friends, or with professional support such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. We specialise IFS at our London clinic, so if you’re interested in finding out more, please get in touch today.